Mating Habits of the Teenage Werewolf
by Meringue-and-Razorblades
Summary: MWPP era. In which Remus is set up on dates, Sirius ignores his Feelings, Peter keeps a list and checks it more than twice, and James is slapped, also more than twice. Pairing list inside, there is slash, so don't read it if you don't like it.


Mating Habits of the Teenage Werewolf, _or,_ Not Another Yule Ball Fic  
A Frivolous Folly in Five Fits  
MWPP era. In which Remus is set up (on dates), Sirius ignores his Feelings, Peter keeps a list and checks it more than twice, and James is slapped, also more than twice.  
The main pairings are…this is going to take a while: James/OC, Peter/OC, Remus/Lots of OCs, Remus/Sirius, James/Lily, and other background pairings that I probably don't need to go into right now as at least one is OC/OC. Slash, obviously. If you don't want to read that, then don't read this. Simple, isn't it?

Anyway, ONWARDS, POTTERY SOLDIERS:

Fit the First:

Hogwarts' Not-So-Annual Yule Ball Of hormones and chess The Ancient Runes Incident The Very Important List Moony makes lousy cover

On a frosty midwinter day in December, all of Gryffindor House crowded around the notice board in the common room. There were many excited squeals from the older girls and a little bit of internal cheering from the older boys and disappointed sighs from everyone in third year and below.

Among the last to emerge from their respective rooms were the sixth-year boys, also known as James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black. It might also be noted that many of the girls who were standing around the notice board shot them quick looks, and then whispered something to their closest neighbor. It was the perfect time for it, anyway, so they might as well think about it.

Needless to say, the boys were intrigued. So many people yelping has to mean something good—it was a law of the universe, as far as Sirius Black was concerned. It just so happened that Sirius was the first one to reach the notice. Many of the other students had already taken their gossiping to breakfast, so there wasn't a complete melee trying to get to the flyer. Of course, Sirius was the one making his way to said flyer, so there was a bit of one, just not a complete one.

"'Hogwarts' Not-So-Annual Yule Ball'?" said Sirius, loudly and derisively. "What the hell is that?"

"I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that it's some sort of a ball," said Peter as soon as he was next to Sirius.

"I have to agree with Wormtail on this one, Padfoot," said Remus, peering at the flier. "Hmmm. 'Christmas Eve, dress robes only, Prefects must…_Prefects must bring dates_'? What the _hell?_"

"I'm going out on a limb here," said Sirius, looking down his aristocratic nose at the werewolf, "and guessing that it means you've got to bring a date. And _dance._"

"Dance?" said Remus, biting his lip (a gesture he'd picked up from Sirius). "But I can't dance!"

"Yeah," said James, who had finally caught up with the others. "You've got all the grace of an overweight hippogriff with a broken leg and a squint."

"What's the squint have to do with anything?" asked Peter.

"I dunno," replied James. "But my comment still stands."

"I guess we have to go to the stupid thing," said Sirius, glancing back at his best friend. "At least Moony does. And he has to find a nice _girl_ to _dance_ with."

"Hey!"

"We'll go for…er…moral support," said Peter, with an absolutely terrible impression of a smile.

"Well," said James, "I guess we're going to need to find dates, then."

Considering that we're leaping rather suddenly into events here, we might as well have some back story. Let us go back further in time, to almost exactly two years previously. Listen:

All of a sudden, they were fourteen and hormones abounded like rabbits in the springtime. James had stopped insulting Lily Evans in Second Year, and had now graduated to mooning over her like a lovesick puppy. His doggerel-esque tirades proclaiming his love to the redhead were beyond irritating, and, one morning, over breakfast, Sirius leaned over and performed a rather good silencing charm, to which Remus and Peter had cheered. Speaking of Peter, he couldn't go a week without finding a new girl to proclaim the most beautiful in all of Hogwarts (well, all of Hogwarts except for Slytherin, as always). This was only slightly less irritating than James's lengthy speeches. As for Sirius, well, he would have taken the above comment involving hormones and rabbits and mangled it beyond recognition, turning it into something that Remus Lupin would never set quill to parchment to transcribe.

Observe the four friends, the 'Marauders' as they've christened themselves. Look: here are James and Sirius, playing a game of their own invention, called "No-Rules, Anything Goes, Martial Arts Wizard Chess", while Peter looks on and cheers whenever James's knight jumps five spaces to the left and starts mercilessly tormenting Sirius's queen, or something equally ridiculous occurs. And Remus, quiet Remus, hides behind the cover of literature, the great deceiver, and watches.

He doesn't watch the game; he doesn't bother, there's no meaning to it anyway. He contents himself with watching, merely watching Sirius Black, in all his teenage glory, as his rook does something almost, but not entirely, against every rule of chess in the figurative book, and almost, but not entirely, against the laws of physics.

"HA! Take that, Potter!" says the boy, slamming his fist on the board and making the frightened pieces abandon ship. "I win again!"

"No fair," says James, gathering up his pieces. "That was blatantly blatant cheating."

"'Blatantly blatant'?" murmurs Remus to himself, loosing an more faith in his friend's verbal skills.

"It's no rules, Jimmy-boy," says Sirius, a grin so wide on his face that he could have shoved the chessboard in his mouth with no complaints.

"Anything goes," Peter adds, reminding the creator of the game just what he created.

James snorted; he hated it when his own creations turned against him. Then, to distract himself and his friends, trying to make them forget about his recent defeat, he asked, with a bit of a smirk, "What time is it?"

"Huh? Oh, just quarter to seven," said Peter, glancing at the clock on the mantle.

"Why'd you ask?" intoned Sirius. "Got a hot date?"

"As a matter of fact, I _do,_" said James, smirk reaching full size.

Remus put down his book. "What, did Lily finally cave?"

James looked like he wanted to kill Remus in a very, very painful way. "_No,_ but I didn't do bad for myself, or anything."

"Who is it then?" asked Peter, eager to know if this mysterious girl graced his List of the Lovely Ladies of Hogwarts.

"Opal Nightstone," said James, the Smirk (tm) returning to his face in record time.

Peter seemed impressed. Remus was too, he admitted to himself. Opal was one of the better looking girls in their year, and certainly one of the most attractive Gryffindors, although James would probably argue that Lily Evans was far superior. Sirius, though, wrinkled his nose, and said, "Well, it's your evening, mate."

"You're just _jealous._ You haven't gone out with anyone since that disaster with Amaranth Nichols two months ago," said James with an air of superiority.

"I thought we agreed not to talk about that," replied Sirius darkly.

"Where are you off too, then?" asked Remus, placing his bookmark in _The Lord of the Flies_, and rising off the couch.

"Sneaking off to the Three Broomsticks. Don't give me that look, Moony, she agreed."

Remus sniffed at both the answer and the nickname, which he was still getting used to. "Just as long as she knows what the consequences of being caught are, then I don't mind."

"Merlin, Moony, you've gone off with us _dozens_ of times since we found that passageway."

"Well, I know the consequences, don't I?"

"James?" asked a new voice from behind them. The four of them turned as a group (something that they'd mastered in the second term of first year, but it was still a sight to see) and saw Opal Nightstone, who was not only attractive, intelligent, and a Gryffindor (which was the most important bit), but also had a temper that rivaled that of, well, Lily Evans.

"Opal. You look fantastic," said James, even though she was just wearing her school robes. She still grinned. "Don't wait up, boys," he continued, as he offered her his arm. "Who knows when I'll come back?"

He was still grinning at them when he exited the common room through the portrait hole.

"Prat," said Sirius. "Moony? Pete? Chess?"

Since that night, James and Opal had been the most notorious couple in Hogwarts, breaking up practically every month that they were together, the break-ups lasting sometimes for long stretches at a time. It was still duly noted that he hit on Lily Evans at practically every opportunity. It was just good luck that Opal didn't take Ancient Runes—if she did, they would have been broken up for good. It was also good luck that Remus wasn't going to go and tell Opal about James's behavior, or maybe it was just good luck that Opal and Remus had a sort of simmering dislike for one another, ever since Remus accidentally set her hair on fire in second year.

It had been five days since the hubbub over the flyer, and James hadn't yet asked Opal. The blonde girl was getting progressively angrier and angrier, looking pointedly at James every time he came into the room, tossing her pale hair, batting her eyelashes, and eventually rounding up her group of friends (consisting of one other sixth year, Yue Chang, and a gaggle of fourth and fifth year girls who followed them around) and stalking out, waving her hips in what Remus supposed was an attractive manner at James and whatever Marauders were with him. James didn't even notice this, especially when Lily was in the room. Which she was right now.

Remus diligently took notes while Professor Bluetooth went on about the Jelling Rune Stone. He harbored an evil little thought in the back of his head, one that consisted mainly of not giving James his notes to copy, and then, in the really clever and well-thought out bit, laughing at him. It was a brilliant plot, thought Remus. That would really show him.

_ "Potter,"_ hissed a certain redhead from across the room. "Stop _staring_ at me"

James jumped and spilled Remus's ink all over his meticulous notes. Remus shot him an angry glare, but James had already turned back to Lily, who was glaring at him as if she wanted to do nothing better than pull his brain out through his nose and boil it in extract of flobberworm.

_ He's either in love or just nuts,_ thought Remus, magically clearing his parchment and losing all his notes. Truth be told, he couldn't tell which one.

"I," Sirius had said to Remus, "am going to set you up."

Remus stared at him blankly. A second or five went by before he said, "What, like I'm a model or something? Lego?"

"_No,_ you dolt. On a _date! _What's _ligoo_?"

James looked up from his Charms homework. "You can't be serious—no bad pun, please—mate. Set Remus up? When you can't get a date yourself? Not since that disaster with Am—"

"I _told_ you not to mention that. Anyway, I could easily get any girl in school, whereas Moony here spends too much time with his musty ol' books."

"So you're going to set him up with any of the girls you could have?" asked Peter. "That doesn't really make sense, Padfoot."

Sirius shot him a Look.

"Just sayin'" murmured Peter, pulling his Charms book closer.

"So who are you setting him up with?" asked James. "Amaranth—"

"Enough with that! I don't know yet," said Sirius. He bit his lip, and asked, "Hey, Peter? Can I borrow the List?"

They could all hear the capital letter in his voice. The List was a Very Important Thing, and it was Peter's Very Important Job to keep the List safe from outside prying eyes. So he kept it with him, at all times. He looked around furtively, and drew it out from his bag.

The List wasn't a list anymore; by January of fourth year the list had grown to such epic proportions that it had to be copied into a notebook, complete with rating system (zero through five) and an Alphabetizing Charm, and it had become the List. "Be _careful_ with it, Sirius," said Peter, his voice carrying a disturbing similarity to McGonagall's.

"The List is _sacred,_" said James reverently. "If you lose it…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Torture, dismemberment, forced listening of disco, that sort of thing. Give it here."

Peter passed it to him, hand lingering on its cover a few seconds too long.

"Aww, Pete, it's as if you don't trust me."

Peter's eyes narrowed.

Sirius began to flip though it. "Let's see, let's see…hmm…Harper, Artemis? What d'you think, Jim?"

"A three, if I recall correctly. But she's with Baldur Lovegood."

"Aren't you going to ask _my_ opinion?" asked Remus, flailing his arms and forgetting that he had his quill in his hand.

The other three (who were now considerably ink-spattered) stared at him as if he had grown a second head and said, collectively, "No."

"Oh," said Remus, sinking back into his chair as if he'd lost all hope with the world. "Well, then."

"James Potter!" said Lily, cornering them after Ancient Runes. She sounded more than just a little annoyed, oh no, she sounded angrier than Remus had ever heard her before, and this was saying something, as Lily was apt to be yelling at any one of them (well, except Remus himself, but he was often around when she started her verbal beatings of James). Venom was dripping from her every syllable. Remus couldn't help wonder _why,_ James had only been looking at her, like he did every Ancient Runes class, but his short spell of wonderment was broken by the culprit himself, grabbing the werewolf's arm.

"Hide me, Moony!" he exclaimed, ducking behind Remus, who, being just an inch and a half taller than him, didn't really provide excellent cover.

"Please move, Remus," said Lily, wearing a smile akin to those parents gave to small children when they were especially exasperated.

"Move? Why ever should I move?" said Remus, friend and Marauder instincts kicking in, thinking that James owed him _so much_ after this. "I like this spot very much, Lily."

"'Atta boy, Moony. Protect me with your life!"

"I just heard Potter. He's right behind you," said Lily. "Don't make me put another prefect in detention, Remus."

"You can't do that, Evans!" said James, forgetting that he was supposed to be hiding and stuck his head out from the safety of the area behind Remus. "He's a Gryffindor! And he hasn't done anything!"

Remus put his hand over his eyes, embarrassed that he could call James Potter his friend. "Bad move, Prongs," he muttered, mostly to his hand.

"Potter!" yelled Lily, lunging for him.

"Hullo, Evans," said James. "I'm going now," he told her, and ducked behind Remus again.

"Oh, no," said the werewolf, making an executive decision and stepping aside. "You're a man now; fight your own battles."

James was about to say something about him being a prefect, and how he was supposed to stop the tougher students from picking on the weaklings, but Lily grabbed him by the front of his robes before he had a chance. "James Potter," she said. "If you so much as _look_ at me again, I'm going to tell Opal that you groped me inappropriately in the hallway."

"Ah, but I_ didn't_," replied James. "D'you think I _should? _So you can tell her properly?"

Lily screamed, and Remus closed his eyes, but he still heard the loud _thwap_ that Lily's hand made as it connected with James's cheek. When he opened them, Lily was running down the hallway and James was rubbing his jaw.

"I guess it's too late to ask her to the Ball, then," said James.

"I think that's a fair assessment, yes. Not after that."

"I need a drink," muttered James, walking off towards the kitchen instead of the Great Hall for lunch. Remus sighed, and decided that he had no choice but to follow. If James got a hangover the next day, they'd all be in trouble.


End file.
